Family Circus, yes?

When my youngest sister was born, the ninth and final child in the family, my father was flat busted. I didn't learn until later what happened to my First Communion money. Nor did I know at that age he had to borrow $100 from my grandma to keep us from starving, literally. The man had nine whacked out children living under one silly roof.

The truth behind your ol pal Marty's family is best put in perspective by a list of facts.

14: range in years between oldest and youngest child

8: number of home addresses we had between 1982 and 1993 (in 5 states)

10: number of family dogs in 10 year stretch

6'4": average height of the seven males, including my pops

215: average weight of the same group

2: number of certified psychotics among the progeny

38: number of cumulatiive nights spent in jail (close as I can figure)

11: number of college degrees in the family

Even Martin McFriend is a fucking elitist. Suck on that NYERD!