Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The finest piece of unabashed gore you haven't seen

For the love of Zod, has anyone seen this fucking movie?

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I, as a matter of magical fortune, have.

When I was merely an innocent youngling, my older brothers, a ragtag triumvirate of sadistic, morally-lax barbarians, would frequently rent films of the basest ilk. My parents (yes, Marty had parents) were often not around, and that's when these creepy role models of mine would force me and my other siblings to watch such gruesome entertainment. When I say they forced us, I mean that they would literally hold us in place on the couch during onscreen absurdities involving anything from heads being split in half to slow-motion tracheotomies and close-up facial gunshot wounds. Bear in mind that the most ferocious, gory scenes were always rewound a minimum of five times.

No, I am not going to belt into some sociological sermon about how violence on TV fucks with children's minds, or how Martin McFriend's own decadent tendencies are the result of a twisted, Clockwork Orange-style upbringing. After all, I see absolutely nothing wrong with having a passionate love and respect for scenes of visceral disfigurement and grim, demonic imagery. But what I will say is that these guys, my older brothers, are really fucking deranged. When the scenes became graphically depraved and overtly despicable, they would belly laugh. If you cried or tried to shut your eyes, you got laughed at for that, too, possibly even beat up. That leaves an indelible mark on a kid.

But seriously, go out and rent The Return of the Alien's Deadly Spawn, a 1983 classic with several alternate titles. This movie is abject hilarity and bloody, captivating evil all rolled into one. I feel it resembles what Little Shop of Horrors would have been like had David Cronenburg directed it.

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In any case, if you don't have the stomach for this treat, then you should probably read the review by clicking HERE. On the real, this movie is pretty damn good for a cheap horror exploitation vehicle. It ranks right up there with other classics that I was forced to watch as a 10-year-old, such as Rawhead Rex and Lifeforce. More on those in later entries. And may my older brothers be ashamed of well as proud.

Btw, I wish Richard Dreyfus or Daniel Stern narrated my thoughts.
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