Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Marty does craigslist the right way

I was laying back in the extended rear of my barnhouse, when I decided I would take a night off the tranquilizers for a change. Tonight, I thought, I’m going to help someone in need. So I called an old friend of mine from the Miguel “Lige” Rodriguez School of Illusion and Puppetry. We hadn’t spoken in quite a while. Here is a brief summary of the dialogue:

Butch: Hello?

Martin: Speak to Butch?

Butch: Butch speaking.

Martin: Butch, this is Martin. How’s it goin pal?

Butch: Marty, hey buddy, how’s business?

Martin: It comes and goes. Look, I called you because I wanted to ask you if there was anything I could do for you.

Butch: That’s so thoughtful. As a matter of fact, do you have any good ideas for how a lonely, Level 2 Battle Mage can get laid in this town?

Martin: Why sure I do. I am a Class 4 Illusionist.

Butch: Holla atcha Butch, Marty.

Martin: Have you heard of

Butch: Why sure, but I’ve never used it.

Martin: There are many people out there looking for someone like you Butch. You still a good looking fella?

Butch: Why sure, I’ve never looked better.

Martin: Okay, give me your e-mail address. I’ll cook something up for you. A personal ad in the sex with no strings attached column. It will do wonders for you.

Butch: Marty, I owe you for this one

Martin: Take care, ol Butch.

Butch: Shakes.

So I went to work and put together the following listing for him:

Let's get fucking insane!

You wanna party with a real man? Let's get a mound of coke and go nuts. I do flips and juggle shit with blindfolds on. Afraid of being electrocuted? I'm not. I'm addicted to chloroform but get more compliments on my drinking. If you are a fucking freak and you have a couple hot friends, here's a proposal. We'll get a hotel on the Sunset Strip, a large suite, and I'll hire some entertainment. Evil clowns, two ninjas and a mule. Not one as well hung as me, but a good looking mule. After the fiireworks, we'll get into some crazy copulation. Upside down dicksucking gymnastics is what I prefer. Good hard fucking, too. Toys, tools and tits. Let's get in a morally depraved sexual K-hole! You won't regret it. Send pictures. I have more. I have a whole bunch of shit. I love LA.

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A couple days later, I got a call from Butch. Here is how the conversation went:

Butch: Marty?

Martin: Yeah, this ol Butch?

Butch: Marty, I love the personal but there is a little bit of a problem. That picture is not of me. That is clearly you Martin. And besides, I live in Atlanta. What's going on here?

Martin: Aww, hell, Butch. I offer you help and then you have the gall to question the way in which I provide it? Is nothing good enough for you Butch? It was just like this back in magician training—

Butch: I'm sorry Marty, I just thought maybe you could do one for an ol pal in Atlanta.

Martin: Okay, Butch, I'll try one last time. This one should work for you.

This is how the second posting turned out:

Looking for Morphing Maiden
with Orb of Ragul Za to christen
my fiery hot scepter

Man, I'm lookin for some bitches, dog. Hit me up if you wanna fuck with this shit, yo. I got the juice and shit. We can party, get naked, get whatever. You know how we do. Holla at me if you want some love. It aint no thang and shit. Bring it, hoes, we be fuckin if you wanna get wit me. All I do is swing dick to these bitches. Damn dog. let's party and shit. Holla.

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He called me back a few days later. Here is the exchange:

Butch: Marty, oh Marty man. This is incredible.

Martin: What happened man?

Butch: I have met so many women. I never knew Atlanta had so many swingers. Thanks so much buddy.

Martin: Don't ever say your ol pal Martin McFriend didn't offer a helping hand. Shakes.

This post is dedicated to my ol boy Suave because all he does is swing dick to these bitches.
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