Saturday, June 18, 2005

We are the dreamers of the dream

Let us travel into a new realm of music and wizardry. As an illusionist, I have taken a solumn vow not to use my powers to manipulate others for personal gain or malicious intent. BUT I do occasionally make beautiful fantasies come true. And in fact, the fun hogs decided that we had something to prove to the cosmos. We could start a band. Goddamn it. We knew we could do it. In a rare case of candid appeasement, your ol pal Marty made us feel like we rocked. These were the results.


Rhythm Guitar
Youngling #1
Bio: Vanderbilt reject. Sought sanitarium in Los Angeles by the grace of CCA. Found himself clean, sober and driving us around a lot, in between jam sessions. Idolizes brit rock freaks. DJs like a mad fucking demon. Hides his inner discontent in the factions of women who have jumbled their speech in conversation with him. Is still a virgin.
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Lead Guitar
Bio: Got really flipped out on too much acid in the late 90s. Listened to a lot of southern folk, fugazi, snuff rock and paint rock. Lost his mind for the second time after the IRS collected on his every earthly possession, shot his dog, cooked him, ate him and became friends with the best barbeque cook in Arkansas. This brought confidence and he honed his craft rocking out at Mouses and Doobies on Crenshaw playa. Brought the house down at the annual rock performance for Torrance children with autism. Found some weed in his pocket, never looked back.
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Bio: Lost his feet in a horrible combine accident while working with his grandfather, a renowned professor and farmer in Kansas, and turned things around by signing up for an experimental procedure inspired after a Ray Bradbury short story. Went for the Guiness record for longest moustache but gave up after being diagnosed with ESS — enlarged scrotum syndrome. Mashes on the percussion.
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Bio: After multiple unsuccessful attempts as a show diver, Pooch went on a three-year run in which he robbed seven Circle Ks and had sex with over 432 women, most of them legitimate. After such an experience, he switch hit for a few years and started speaking with a New York accent, despite the fact that he was born in Cincinnati. He took up birdwatching and modeled his skill after the blue jay's one-of-a-kind signature. Raises cain.
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Bio: Failed at the academy of illusion after being the victim of pranks perpetrated by the Depeche Mode crowd. After being labeled as a closet Scientologist, she quit the Merchant Navy and directed amateur porn for four years in New Jersey. Found a calling when she bumped her head on the toilet seat and thought of time travel. Lacking engineering skill, she learned to strum and wrote a song that purportedly caused a pulmonary embolism in her boyfriend at the time, a renowned genius piccholo player and car salesmen. Discovered Blur and started popping pills. Is an over-achiever.
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Lead Vocals/Harmonica
Bio: Got straight As throughout high school and college. Received painful beatings that left scars from numerous run-ins with neighborhood ruffians. Went to church daily, prayed and loved Alabama and Dolly Parton. Was launched off Paris Island bodily by an enraged, homosexual drill instructor. Found solace in his love for aquatic mammals, moved near the ocean and almost died in a plane crash. Met a minion Galactus, the devourer of worlds, and saw through the kaliedoscope that was humanity. Blew an ounce of ketamine in 24 hours, had his stomach pumped, donned a mask and started singing like a fiend.
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Check us out. Our album "LSHISMP" drops Tuesday.
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