"Did you cheat on me with Debra Winger?"

In an earlier post I believe I made reference to an episode in my past that involved having sexual escapades with a certain actress known mostly for her role in An Officer and a Gentleman.



What I failed to mention is that I had a serious girlfriend at the time (three years ago.) She is pictured above (the Biscuit). In any case, today the following e-mail conversation coincidentally took place between her, now my ex-girlfriend, and I. It started from totally out of the blue.

Biscuit: Did you cheat on me with Debra Winger?

Marty: What? No, why?

Biscuit: I’m perusing your blog. I should be working.

Marty: "Did you cheat on me with Debra Winger?" Now that's something you don't hear everyday.

Biscuit: I remember coming to get you after that night and stepped barefoot on some “wetness” next to your bed.

Marty: Did I piss, vomit or drool myself?

Biscuit: None of the above.

Marty: Jerked off on myself?

Biscuit: Yup. I was mildly impressed.

Marty: That’s gross.

Biscuit: Eh. I prefer to think of it as funny.

Marty: That’s what I like about you.

Biscuit: Aww. Well, you know what I don’t like? Meetings. Also, why is it only 2:37? Feels like 6:45.

Marty: Just wondering, do you like awards ceremonies?

Biscuit: No, I don’t like awards ceremonies. I would rather contract avian flu and be forced to seek medical attention than eat egg rolls at the Hilton.

Marty: What about the band Kung Faux? Do you like the band Kung Faux?

Biscuit: I think they’re so post-rock.

Marty: Hey, remember that story about the guy who ate his boogers and skin?

Biscuit: Should I?

Marty: You know, the compulsive weirdo story we collaborated on but never finished?

Biscuit: Ah, yes. I remember. What about it?

Marty: Do you have any trace of it? Twould like to read it, maybe blog about it.

Biscuit: Did we write it down? Shall check my laptop for notes. In the meantime, wanna thumb wrestle?

Marty: No, not really.

Biscuit: How about a haiku battle?

Marty: Bring it.

Biscuit: Here is my ode to crack baby dogs.

opposable paw
moonlit crack on a hot spoon
weep for wide eye hound

Marty: Pretty good.

innocence threatened
deep craving in canine loins
genetic junkie

Biscuit: Round one to me. Here’s my ode to the
humanoid rat.

hairy little man
please put the toilet seat down
and i'll give you cheese

Marty: Alright.

fill your gutter mouth
dust from your vermin belly
regurgitate shit

Biscuit: Tie. Btw, you totally cheated on me with Debra Winger. Pig.