Monday, July 11, 2005

Doh! Everything evil is actually cool

I went to San Diego this weekend to see my vacationing brother, his wife and three kids. I was excited by the opportunity to do something that wouldn’t (presumably) involve shotgunning cigarettes, putting on makeup, or buying mimosas at 9 am to “cap off” a pretty good, chemically charged party. Just an immaculate sunny, summer day in Southern California, replete with jovial children and wiffle ball. I ran my fingers through my thinning hair and admired my reflection in the rear view mirror. Killer shades, man, I told myself.

So arriving in San Diego, at a posh, Disney-esque resort near Seaworld, I was flabbergasted when I met my brother Ukla and his family in the lobby. What the fuck? They were skeletons. Seriously, Ukla stared at me with a bony smile and hollow eyes, a skull in surfer shorts and a tank top. I shook his crackling hand and looked at my niece and nephews. Little skeletons. Holy shit, was I dreaming this? Not hardly. They were in great spirits but clearly undead.

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I thought to myself, this is a clever illusion and I need to find out who is responsible, but first, those cookies my nephew is holding look tasty. So Sasefina and I made our way to the room and put our stuff away, listening to the giggles and gleeful hoots of the little ones, ages 2, 7 and 9. They were so damn cute, especially the way their tiny metatarsils echoed on the slick tile floors of the hotel hallways.

Not once did one of them pull out a gnarly old scimtar, the way they would have in Sam Raimi movies or old Sinbad flicks. No beady, red glowing eyes or resurrection humor, no spooky danse macabre maneuvers. This was my family, and they seemed to be having a great vacation at a really nice spot, where no one else seemed to notice that they were walking skeletons.

Then it dawned on me. They weren’t fucking evil, or demonic. Walking skeletons have relatives, too, and apparently I happened to be one. These were not spirits of a dark conspiracy, voodoo conjurations or Halloween curses. I love these people and they were pretty damn good to me, although seeing their chewed food slide through their empty innards took some getting used to.

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The weekend progressed wonderfully and I am truly indebted to Ukla and his wife for their generosity and hospitality. I already miss those gaunt little rugrats. It was a well-deserved respite from the maddening limbo that is my “routine” L.A. existence, and on the way home, I reflected. What I came up with was so elementary and obvious, and my own epiphany is pathetically overdue. I mean, hello, everything evil is actually good. Shouldn’t we already know this? Or, I should say, shouldn’t I? What can I say, I’m a little dense, a little slow moving, not a quick learner.

Just in case anyone reading this might share my dim nature, I’ve decided to list some other examples of this self-evident irony. Off the top of my cranium (ha, ha, I’m funny):

1) iPods are really fucking evil. You should see what is on my iPod. I have this band called Goblin. They did the soundtracks to a lot of horror movies. They so kick ass.

2) Anime and manga. They are fucking evil, dudes. There is a reason that Japanese pop culture has exploded, with manga being the fastest growing segment of the American publishing industry. What is it? Can you say, evilness.

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3) The Flaming Lips. Nuff said.

4) Any movie that employs a trailer that starts with “from the makers of the Ring.” This one is closely aligned with No. 2 above and that is due to the evil ways of the Japanese (see the Rape of Nanking, circa 1933). These films are kicking ass, making money and everyone goes to see them. Are they good films? I don’t really care. But what they are, undoubtedly, is evil as shit.

5) Fast Food. I don’t want to talk about this one that much because the whole story is well documented, thanks to that dipshit Morgan Spurlock or whatever the fark his name is. But in all honesty, are quarter pounders with cheese not a little slice of heaven, or hell, for that matter? They are pretty damn delicious and pretty damn evil when you really stop to think about it.

6) Cars. Everyone aspires to a better, faster car. Lots of people die in car accidents. Lots of people lose money from speeding tickets, DUIs, parking tickets, towing charges, repairs, etc. Not to mention the fact that gas and petroleum products, which power these awesomely evil machines, are unrepentantly decimating the (hippie alert) environment. But check out these fucking rims. Sweet. Evil.

7) Drugs are so zoddamned evil and everyone knows it. But you ain’t cool until you’ve tried them. This could be a separate blog post.

8) Magic, as we all know, is very evil and, without question one of the coolest things in the world. Even that little Dungeons and Dragons like card game of the same nomenclature is so evil. So evil. Just watch the Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. You guys know what I’m talking about.

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9) Television (both the band and the living room apparatus). Another self-explanatory entry in this here list. The band rocked out in their evil punk, brit-fucky ways, and TV, holy frijole, so evil. Reality TV is all the rage, and it is evil. And everyone loves it even if they say they don’t. And it is all because everyone, I mean everyone, is actually really fucking evil. Need examples? Watch the local news. Read a history book. Look around you.

10) George Bush. C’mon! This one is a no brainer. The guy is the leader of the free world for god sake. And he is evil. (Karl Rove and Dick Cheney also totally rule, by the way.)

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I could go on and on. There are few things, if any at all, that are both cool and not evil all at once. Just look at this blog. See the skull playing the trumpet on the right side? See the picture of me with a hatchet and ski mask? See the darkness? The evil? Totally fucking evil and also, totally fucking cool. Or maybe not. I guess I’m just sort of into that thing.

Shout to my boy Savas and his bride to be Carolina. May your marriage be full of love, prosperity and undying evil.

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