Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Doppelganger Blues

Last night, I had a dream that I was walking with a crowd of natives in an industrialized East Asian country, and my language skills were very, very strong. I was able to finish sentences and occasionally reply to others who were speaking much faster than I was. It was hopeful and empowering, this dream, and I felt that my journey to a higher level of consciousness was entering a new phase.

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All at once, we came across a giant mirror, and everyone stopped and stood and stared collectively at the shimmer of reflections. The others were beautiful, stately and happy, big smiles on handsome, confident faces. They seemed content with their reflections, but not too curious. But through to the other side of the “looking glass” what I saw was no princely version of me.

Dressed in thorns and burlap and with long black fingernails, my reflection was perfectly charnel and unruly. He looked at me and smiled a yellow, crooked smile, his teeth jagged and biting down into his lips — my lips. Blood drooled through his grin, and my body double opened his mouth to speak. I looked around and found I was alone to hear him.

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“Arrogance and naïve love will get you nowhere, Martin,” he said to me, and snickered. “Just remember your face will rot, as your insides have already begun, and your idealism will shrivel and your faith will implode and you will bleed out like a swatted insect, bloated on bodily waste and paid back for your leeching, thieving existence.”

I replied in Japanese: “Kashaku, tadashi naze?” (I don’t know if this is grammatically sound but I meant to say something to the effect of, “Pardon me, but why?”)

He laughed a gruesome, smoke-saturated laugh, which turned to a dead-sounding cough. I thought my evil twin was going to pass on in front of my eyes, but he maintained a disgusting smile through his fit and righted himself. “Take my word, Martin, there is a plan for you already in motion. It is something you will have to learn to deal with, for better or worse. Stop your smarmy bullshit and prepare yourself.”

When he finished speaking, my reflection reached through the mirror and dropped two scrolls with Asian kanji painted into them. Of course, I can’t read those characters so I just looked at them and admired their calligraphic beauty. I woke up soon after.

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While in the shower this morning, I pieced together some lyrics inspired by the dream and committed them to memory. Then I started thinking of some lines I had written in my idea journal several weeks ago. I sat down and jotted down all these thoughts off the top of my head. This is what I came up with:

Victim of the Bright

a new kind of spirit
a morning fresh spirit
your redemption unwound
and set forth like policy

with policy, true policy
people leave you anyway
no reasons necessary
papers shuffled, forms filed
but I want to hope to keep you

so take another chance with me
let me see, let us see.
your will above my grasp
the wax of you,
the wane of me
the policy, the policy

Victim of Innocence

Dropping, a bucket into a well of black blood.
The acrid maelstrom of the deceived.
One eye on the prize,
The other gouged out with a nail.

Your trust betrayed by humanity’s want.
Love is a prisoner in greed’s torture chamber.
But you’ll stand proud and fight,
And you’ll die like a dog.
Your resolve’ll end,
With a disfigured skull.

Peaking, your faith strong in the trials of friendship.
But your confidant will bury you alive in earth.
Will you believe in fellow man’s honor?
Even when your jaw is severed?

Blood, sweat and loneliness your pleasure’s harem.
Bottle of pills in your hand, your spirit grown grimmer.
But you’ll not feign to give up,
Though disgrace is your bed.
Know your spirit won’t rise,
And you’ll stay fucking dead.

I don’t know about you, but I think there is a solid connection. I think my doppelganger is trying to tell me something. Something important, perhaps about the future. Perhaps about my death, or an impending betrayal. It’s kind of scary and exhilarating all at once. I’m sweating just thinking about it. In fact, I’m about to piss myself.

I’m looking for suggestions on what this might mean, so feel free to give them to me. Personally, I think there is a crucial reckoning on its way. My dentist, my shrink and my soothsayer all agree.

Beware of the blight from above, and the pestilence from below. Be nice to everyone and do your best to protect the weak. It’s coming, and it may be sooner than you think. I’m not talking about “the rapture,” but it won’t be full of mercy, either. We each meet it in our own way, but the sooner we’re prepared to accept it, the better our chances of meeting it with peace and acceptance.

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