Friday, August 19, 2005

Underrated Bad Asses Volume 1

I'd like to fire off a list of people and/or creatures who are total fucking bad asses but have never received much credit, and still don’t today. These people and/or creatures have had a profound influence on your ol pal for multiple reasons, some of which I will describe. In general, I’m handing out props to:

  • Solomon Grundy
    Solomon Grundy is an evil juggernaut of a man. More like a walking, muscle-bound corpse, this nasty son of a bitch was one of the few characters in the Super Friends cartoons, and all of DC comic lore in general, to be able to go toe-to-toe with the Man of Steel and hold his own. A limping numbskull with a 3-year-old’s reasoning skills, Grundy is a fair mixture of a Romero zombie and Frankenstein’s monster, and he kicks a lot of ass. Plus, his powers are supernatural.

  • Rey Mysterio Jr.
    Mysterio combines the old-school, acro-psychotic tradition of Jimmy Superfly Snuka with today’s hip-hop, gang-sign throwing street mentality. (Whatever happened to the purity of pro wrestling?) He is also the undisputed ironman of his vocation. He looks to be about 20 but he’s been around at least 15 years, and he manages to be on every major wrestling circuit at once. Don’t ask how I know this, I just do. Oh yeah, and Rey Mysterio Jr. is the only legit wrestler who still wears the Mexican mask. He looks like a complete stud out there, taking on cats twice, three times his size. I always emulate this guy during wrestling matches in the pool. In fact, I called out his name at the Flamingo Hilton pool last week before doing a preacher’s seat and nearly putting a woman in intensive care.

  • Witch Hazel
    This is the only cartoon character in history who not only kept pace with Bugs Bunny, but managed to dish out wry, witty comments almost faster than he did. Consider this exchange:

    Bugs: "Shame on you, Granny, Roastin' children when they should be in school...!"

    Witch Hazel: "Everyone should have a hobby."

    That is pretty solid. Witch Hazel also manages to still scare the johosephat out of me. Imagine that, from a witch, no less.

  • Lenn Sakata
    Before there was Hideo Nomo or Ichiro Suzuki, only one man carried the flag for Japanese baseball in the U.S. His name was Lenn Sakata. He had some notoriously ridiculous hairstyles on his baseball cards, and he was ridiculously lousy as a major leaguer, prompting my brother Poochie to nickname him Lenn Sakat'a'shit, which still qualifies as an all-time classic, right up there with Danny Heep'a'shit. The point is that Sakata was the original Asian forbear in the big leagues, and the last guy to play shortstop for the Orioles before Cal Ripken Jr. In his own right, he's an underrated bad ass. Look at him kick game to this chick on the left.
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